Focus

Well, I am finally moved. All of my belongings are now neatly packed into a 5x7 vault and the rest of my day to day necessities are now settled in a cozy upstairs guest room of my best friend's home.

Focus. This is the word that now echoes loudly within me and floats in BOLD letters in the forefront of my mind reminding daily of this pivotal moment, and around it spinning wildly the questions. How can I make this moment count? Can I finally turn my life around? Will I fail? What is the next step??? This moment seemingly simple to most feels to me like the test of my life. I have prayed, complained, cried, whined, and now been sobered by grace. I have been given the rare opportunity to be rent free and to pour that which was such a burden into a huge blessing. All of the success of this moment and how it affects my life moving forward is now entirely up to me. Although in truth it has been that way all along.

Over the past decade I have grown so independent that now to set aside my pride and personal space feels not only uncomfortable but foreign to me by nature. The fear of letting go of my pride and idea of self preservation was a fierce internal battle there for a while but I knew that in order to change my life I was in fact, going to have to change my life.

I want to make it clear that my goal here is not to be free of responsibly but to get rid of old debt, secure my base of living, and put myself in a position to be able to give and live. I want to be free of the consequences of poor choices that have affected my finances for so long. I believe there is a better way of living than how I'm living now and I refuse to be a slave to things that don't matter or have no eternal value.

Live like no one else, so later you can live like no one else.

So I will push through this moment of discomfort, through my fears of failing, and my selfish pride. I will make the most of this opportunity and I will keep pushing and keep my eye on the prize.

Step one of my plan is now complete.

Downsize to maximize!

Money's Not My Problem

I've been sitting here on my sofa tonight messing around on the internet for well over two hours putting off writing and trying to distract myself from the constant flow of thoughts that have consumed me lately. In the midst of a half packed home, surrounded by boxes and misplaced furniture I've been pondering my current situation. Frustrated with the decision to abandon my prideful independence and stay with a friend, feeling less than a failure, and a bit overwhelmed now with the medical bills I've incurred this past week after finding a mass on my spine, I have just in this moment realized that money is not my problem. I think I've probably known this all along but right now it just kinda hit me with a sobering realization of how off focus I am.

I am the problem.

There I've said it. Why are things so hard on me? It's simple. It's the choices I've made.

I saw a post by Bob Goff the other day and I think it expresses my thoughts right now perfectly.
"Every problem we have in life isn't a battle between good and evil; some are just problems. Go solve them." @LoveDoes

I have gotten myself in this situation by choosing to do two major things.
1. Living above my means.
and
2. Giving up on the things that God gave me to provide for my needs.

When I look at these to two things it becomes so obvious that the only battle I am having is with myself and I have to admit that is a little embarrassing, but if it leads me one step closer to being free from this kind of worry I will gladly share it with you.

I have some problems and so now all I have to do is figure how to solve them and step one is probably the easiest way to start and that is embracing discomfort and living with what I have right now. Setting firm boundaries for myself and realizing that I'm just not there yet. Second is taking a step back, refocusing my vision and finding a way to use the gifts that God has given me and blessed me with all along.

I told a friend of mine yesterday that I needed to get my shit together and his reply was, "I don't know why you keep going back and forth. Just do it." Things are really so simple. Why can't we just do what we know we need to do? I think one of the major things for me is insecurity. I'm currently working hard on that one and it seems like this journey is going to force me to face that demon straight in the face. If not I might as well just close this blog down and accept failure but I'm not.

So moving forward from this moment I am challenging myself to dive in hard and focus on living below my means and living up to my abilities.

"Do what you can, where you are, with what you have at this moment."

All You Need is Less

What do you really need? And is everything you have what you really want?

I truly believe that if the world would just realize that less is really more we'd all be a lot happier, live a lot longer, give more to those in need, and time would be better spent pursuing things of purpose rather than making the pursuit of things our purpose.

Over the years I have moved many times and with each move I've gotten rid of more and more of those things that fill spaces but serve little to no purpose in my life other than holding a memory, most of which I could never really recall exactly why I was holding onto that object.

Mom bought that for me, I wore that when we went... where? Oh, this is my favorite such and such, I really liked this... 20 years ago, one day I'll fit into this outdated dress again, but I love these shoes I've had for 3 years I just don't have anything that matches them, I haven't used this in eight years but I might need it one day, that box of cords... well I can't exactly remember what that goes to. For crying out loud, get rid of it!

Why do we continue to try to surround ourselves with stuff? Is it really all that comforting? You are never going to wear that, get rid of it. Let someone who needs it have it. If you can't remember why you have it, get rid of it. If you haven't used it, looked at it, or thought about in more than six months or a year, get rid of it. If you don't like it, get rid of it. Stop cluttering up your life with crap that has no use for you. Sure there are some things that have great sentimental value, family history, or great monetary value but I can guarantee that those items are actually very few and consist of probably about 10% of what you have stored away. Why not lighten your load? I see it a sin to hold onto something that your not using that could be given to someone who is truly in need. Stop hoarding what's holding you down.

“Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.” Will Rogers

I currently work in a field were I go into people's homes on a pretty regular basis and what I see behind the closed doors of some of the most expensive and beautiful homes in San Antonio would floor most of you. I would venture to say that at least half of the homes I visit are "collector" homes. Homes that have pathways through stuff, leading to more stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. Most are embarrassed and will immediately make apologies for it. Some act as if nothing is out of the norm. I have seen homes that walking up to will take your breath away by their beauty only to open the door and take your breath away in a completely overwhelming sense of sadness. So many people are just burying themselves with junk. And I mean junk in every sense, real junk, junk they don't need, junk they don't even know they have, junk piled on top of junk, covered in junk. It's sad. Thousands of dollars worth of stuff, ten feet wide, five feet high is surrounding them only to keep them in a state of wanting and needing more. And every time I come across this it only makes me want to come home and purge.

It's hard enough to survive these days. It's tough enough to get the things we need. When will we wake up and realize less is more? What do you really want? What are you filling the empty spaces with and why? What do you really need? Start asking yourself. One question at a time, one day at a time if you have to.

I know it's hard to let go. We cling to memories, we cling to security, we cling to the fear of not having enough, and what if tomorrow I need. But there has to come a point where we take a good hard look at what we are surrounding ourselves with. The less you have the less you have to worry about. In a good way of course. The less you buy the more money you have for the things you really need. Start today to release that grip.

* Try starting the downsizing by just choosing 25 things to get rid of. It may seem hard at first but once you do it you're going to feel liberated and want to do some more. Give those things away or heck sell them. Make some of your money back. Give yourself an incentive to get this done.

* The next time you go to buy something ask yourself these questions:
Do I really need this?
How long do I expect to have/use it?
Will it end up in the back of my closet in a month or two?
Is there something better I can spend this money on?
Why am I buying it?
And if I walk away and give myself a day or two to think about it, will I still want it?

* Give yourself a break from spending. Go on a spending fast. Make a commitment to buy only necessities for a month.

* Give to someone in need or give to a cause. Resist the urge by redirecting your focus.

* Spend time weekly or monthly to remove those things that no longer have a use or place.

* Don't tie every memory to a material thing. If it's worth remembering it'll stay with you, or write it down, keep a journal, or take a photo.

* Realize that less really can be more. Less junk can mean more living.

Thing to remember:
"The things you own, end up owning you." 

Sick Cycle

What's the sick cycle? Ever heard of that saying,"What's the definition of insanity?" "Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result." This seems to be the theme of my life. At least from my view anyway.
What do you want in life? What is your idea of success? How do you really know when you've made it? We all have our ideas. Or should I say ideal life.
I know where I want to be. My idea of being financially stable is being comfortable. Not lacking. Being able to help others when I desire. Health insurance squared away. Cushy savings. Retirement plan. Mostly what we all want right? Well the question for me is how do I get there?
The last I left off, and yes I went back and read, I was working for the collection company, making double what I'm making now and ended up in the hospital for two days. What???? Yes, I ended up in the hospital. Cause? Unknown. But honestly I thought something was seriously wrong and so did the doctor because they checked my heart, my head, and everything in between. The stress of a job much unsuited to my genetic makeup was making me physically ill. I ended up leaving the well paying job for one that pays me half but that I absolutely love. I have no complaints about my job now. Are there challenges? Yes. But I do like it. Probably more than any job I've had so far. The problem is that it's killing me financially.
So getting back to the Sick Cycle and how it relates to my current situation... What is the definition of insanity? Here's the thing. I know what I want, I know how I want to live, the problem is that I just keep trying to do the same thing over and over to try to get there. It's just not happening though.
I'm not going to lie. The last 10 months have been a roller coaster of a ride for me. Having my daughter return home from college for a break, the decrease in pay, oh and let's not forget me adding health insurance to my budget due to a recent breast cancer scare. I am no doubt back where I was, if not worse than a year ago. How does this relate to the Sick Cycle?
I keep trying to have the things I want without the means to support those things. Sad to say I'm just not there yet. Despite my efforts. Despite my determination. Despite my fierce longing for a better life. In my eyes I have failed. Fallen short. And all but falling below the point of, or should I say my idea of success.
I have tried to live securely on a budget of less than what I really need with less than what is needed to support that. I have worked the same job, with the same income, on the same budget, with the same desires, needs, wants, and seriously absolutely NONE of this jives.
So what do I do???
I'll tell you what I do, or anyone else in my same situation should do, I throw it all out and start over.
My daughter is leaving to go back to school, I am currently at the same job for now at least, and I am at a pivotal moment. A moment of staying on the same boat, floating aimlessly, with the same resources in a direction unknown, or jumping ship and swimming toward that distant island of hope on the far horizon. For me, at this point, I have nothing to lose. My credit is shot, my savings empty, and my resources? Well, we will leave those up to God. I am choosing to jump ship. Do I see this as irresponsible? No. I see it as a leap of faith. A door that I am choosing to kick open. An opportunity where nothing is lost and all that I hope for can only be gained.
I am releasing the hold, letting go of my desire to control that which I really have no control over, and surrendering myself to opportunity.
I to this point have tried with all that is within me. I have chosen what has always been familiar to me, and I have unfortunately gained a little less that what I've always know. Does that even make sense? I'm done with it. This is a journey. I can choose to stay in my box or I can walk through the door that has been opened.
I'm sure a lot of this seems vague at the moment but I am promise with each day it will unfold and make more and more sense to you.
For now, it is time to get off of the sick cycle. No more doing the same things trying to get different results. It's time to try something new. To live fearlessly and with the resilience that lies within to take the lead.
One of  the biggest challenges that has come up recently is my daughter leaving to return to school. This has brought me to a place where I am having to give up my apartment since I cannot afford it on my own. I have been praying fiercely about this for weeks and yes, faithlessly worrying about where I am going to live. God has always provided for me. I know this. Why do I even worry??? Still I have laid awake countless nights agonizing over the possibilities and even coming to terms with possibly living out of my car.
This past weekend I put one of my mattress sets up for sale and posted it on facebook, a dear and precious friend expressed interest and we agreed to discuss details at church. When I saw her she said, "I heard you were looking for a place to live." "Yes," I said. She replied,"I was interested in the mattresses because I decided to put my guesthouse up for rent." Choose to believe what you want but I fell on my knees this very morning at the alter and gave my current situation to my Lord. I said,"Here! It's yours! I have no idea where I am going to live or how I am going to get myself into a better place in life." "I give up!" Godsend? I would say so. Jehovah Jireh. I am always in need and never without. I am taken care of moment to moment, and for this I have to say that although I am and do get frustrated, I have no doubt I will be taken care of. I took up my friend on her offer. Is it my ideal? No. Is it a solution? Definitely not. Does it provide for my current need? Yes. And in the mean time I will be doing everything in my power to better position myself. I will be knocking on doors, opening windows, hell, I'll even build on if I have to.
I am tired of the Sick Cycle, I'm choosing to jump off this dizzying carousel and grab on to any opportunity that arises.
So I encourage you. Don't think you're stuck where you're at. If things aren't working maybe it's time to try something new. It may not be easy, it may not even be what you want at the moment, but maybe, just maybe it's time for a leap of faith.
Tomorrow I'm going to share with you my thoughts on living light. Downsizing, decluttering, and deciding on what's weighing you down.

Thing to remember: Just because you're in it doesn't mean it's where you're supposed to be. Maybe it's time to jump! There is no safety, success, or comfort in a situation that keeps leading you back to the same place. 

The Journey

Okay... so wow! It's been over a year since I last wrote. Unbelievable... Well, I guess you could say there's been lots of changes, I'll go into that more later, and in a lot of ways everything is the same. I originally began this blog to not only motivate myself and others, but more so to focus myself on overcoming my financial woes. I figured if I bared myself to the world I'd somehow overcome all of this a lot faster. Boy was I wrong. I was going to give myself a year and with all the fierce  determination and soul digging I could muster, I'd conquer the world. Oh so not the case. In the time since I began this journey I have learned one valuable lesson. We will ALWAYS be on a quest to Tackle the Elephant. It's not a matter of fixing and overcoming, its a matter of rolling with the waves of life and being ready to face those curve balls that life throws at us. It is in fact a life journey and one that if we are fortunate, we will learn day by day how to live better financially and with wisdom that can only come from up above, to live a life of purpose free from the chains of materialism and the idea that money determines our success and status in life. Something that I've measured myself to for far too long.
Thanks to the encouragement of a dear friend I am refocusing my thoughts, goals, and purpose for this blog. I plan to share with you my current struggles, how I plan on attacking those issues, and hopefully to give you some encouragement and support for you to tackle those things in your own life that are keeping you from living comfortably, no matter what your income is.
I know that one of my biggest struggles at the moment is what I will call the Sick Cycle, a dizzying and frustrating carrousel that offers no enjoyment for anyone. I will write more about that tomorrow. For now, I would like to welcome back those who were with me in the start and invite whoever is interested to come along. It's going to be one hell of a ride but I am ready to once again pull up my sleeves, dig my heels in, get down to business.
Who's afraid of the elephant anyway?

Seems Like A Good Time To Begin Again

If failure leads to success I'm on the right track. It is time. I'm ready to jump back in. Let the tackling resume. Tomorrow I blog!

Thank you Michelle Cook.
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