Money's Not My Problem

I've been sitting here on my sofa tonight messing around on the internet for well over two hours putting off writing and trying to distract myself from the constant flow of thoughts that have consumed me lately. In the midst of a half packed home, surrounded by boxes and misplaced furniture I've been pondering my current situation. Frustrated with the decision to abandon my prideful independence and stay with a friend, feeling less than a failure, and a bit overwhelmed now with the medical bills I've incurred this past week after finding a mass on my spine, I have just in this moment realized that money is not my problem. I think I've probably known this all along but right now it just kinda hit me with a sobering realization of how off focus I am.

I am the problem.

There I've said it. Why are things so hard on me? It's simple. It's the choices I've made.

I saw a post by Bob Goff the other day and I think it expresses my thoughts right now perfectly.
"Every problem we have in life isn't a battle between good and evil; some are just problems. Go solve them." @LoveDoes

I have gotten myself in this situation by choosing to do two major things.
1. Living above my means.
and
2. Giving up on the things that God gave me to provide for my needs.

When I look at these to two things it becomes so obvious that the only battle I am having is with myself and I have to admit that is a little embarrassing, but if it leads me one step closer to being free from this kind of worry I will gladly share it with you.

I have some problems and so now all I have to do is figure how to solve them and step one is probably the easiest way to start and that is embracing discomfort and living with what I have right now. Setting firm boundaries for myself and realizing that I'm just not there yet. Second is taking a step back, refocusing my vision and finding a way to use the gifts that God has given me and blessed me with all along.

I told a friend of mine yesterday that I needed to get my shit together and his reply was, "I don't know why you keep going back and forth. Just do it." Things are really so simple. Why can't we just do what we know we need to do? I think one of the major things for me is insecurity. I'm currently working hard on that one and it seems like this journey is going to force me to face that demon straight in the face. If not I might as well just close this blog down and accept failure but I'm not.

So moving forward from this moment I am challenging myself to dive in hard and focus on living below my means and living up to my abilities.

"Do what you can, where you are, with what you have at this moment."