Sick Cycle

What's the sick cycle? Ever heard of that saying,"What's the definition of insanity?" "Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result." This seems to be the theme of my life. At least from my view anyway.
What do you want in life? What is your idea of success? How do you really know when you've made it? We all have our ideas. Or should I say ideal life.
I know where I want to be. My idea of being financially stable is being comfortable. Not lacking. Being able to help others when I desire. Health insurance squared away. Cushy savings. Retirement plan. Mostly what we all want right? Well the question for me is how do I get there?
The last I left off, and yes I went back and read, I was working for the collection company, making double what I'm making now and ended up in the hospital for two days. What???? Yes, I ended up in the hospital. Cause? Unknown. But honestly I thought something was seriously wrong and so did the doctor because they checked my heart, my head, and everything in between. The stress of a job much unsuited to my genetic makeup was making me physically ill. I ended up leaving the well paying job for one that pays me half but that I absolutely love. I have no complaints about my job now. Are there challenges? Yes. But I do like it. Probably more than any job I've had so far. The problem is that it's killing me financially.
So getting back to the Sick Cycle and how it relates to my current situation... What is the definition of insanity? Here's the thing. I know what I want, I know how I want to live, the problem is that I just keep trying to do the same thing over and over to try to get there. It's just not happening though.
I'm not going to lie. The last 10 months have been a roller coaster of a ride for me. Having my daughter return home from college for a break, the decrease in pay, oh and let's not forget me adding health insurance to my budget due to a recent breast cancer scare. I am no doubt back where I was, if not worse than a year ago. How does this relate to the Sick Cycle?
I keep trying to have the things I want without the means to support those things. Sad to say I'm just not there yet. Despite my efforts. Despite my determination. Despite my fierce longing for a better life. In my eyes I have failed. Fallen short. And all but falling below the point of, or should I say my idea of success.
I have tried to live securely on a budget of less than what I really need with less than what is needed to support that. I have worked the same job, with the same income, on the same budget, with the same desires, needs, wants, and seriously absolutely NONE of this jives.
So what do I do???
I'll tell you what I do, or anyone else in my same situation should do, I throw it all out and start over.
My daughter is leaving to go back to school, I am currently at the same job for now at least, and I am at a pivotal moment. A moment of staying on the same boat, floating aimlessly, with the same resources in a direction unknown, or jumping ship and swimming toward that distant island of hope on the far horizon. For me, at this point, I have nothing to lose. My credit is shot, my savings empty, and my resources? Well, we will leave those up to God. I am choosing to jump ship. Do I see this as irresponsible? No. I see it as a leap of faith. A door that I am choosing to kick open. An opportunity where nothing is lost and all that I hope for can only be gained.
I am releasing the hold, letting go of my desire to control that which I really have no control over, and surrendering myself to opportunity.
I to this point have tried with all that is within me. I have chosen what has always been familiar to me, and I have unfortunately gained a little less that what I've always know. Does that even make sense? I'm done with it. This is a journey. I can choose to stay in my box or I can walk through the door that has been opened.
I'm sure a lot of this seems vague at the moment but I am promise with each day it will unfold and make more and more sense to you.
For now, it is time to get off of the sick cycle. No more doing the same things trying to get different results. It's time to try something new. To live fearlessly and with the resilience that lies within to take the lead.
One of  the biggest challenges that has come up recently is my daughter leaving to return to school. This has brought me to a place where I am having to give up my apartment since I cannot afford it on my own. I have been praying fiercely about this for weeks and yes, faithlessly worrying about where I am going to live. God has always provided for me. I know this. Why do I even worry??? Still I have laid awake countless nights agonizing over the possibilities and even coming to terms with possibly living out of my car.
This past weekend I put one of my mattress sets up for sale and posted it on facebook, a dear and precious friend expressed interest and we agreed to discuss details at church. When I saw her she said, "I heard you were looking for a place to live." "Yes," I said. She replied,"I was interested in the mattresses because I decided to put my guesthouse up for rent." Choose to believe what you want but I fell on my knees this very morning at the alter and gave my current situation to my Lord. I said,"Here! It's yours! I have no idea where I am going to live or how I am going to get myself into a better place in life." "I give up!" Godsend? I would say so. Jehovah Jireh. I am always in need and never without. I am taken care of moment to moment, and for this I have to say that although I am and do get frustrated, I have no doubt I will be taken care of. I took up my friend on her offer. Is it my ideal? No. Is it a solution? Definitely not. Does it provide for my current need? Yes. And in the mean time I will be doing everything in my power to better position myself. I will be knocking on doors, opening windows, hell, I'll even build on if I have to.
I am tired of the Sick Cycle, I'm choosing to jump off this dizzying carousel and grab on to any opportunity that arises.
So I encourage you. Don't think you're stuck where you're at. If things aren't working maybe it's time to try something new. It may not be easy, it may not even be what you want at the moment, but maybe, just maybe it's time for a leap of faith.
Tomorrow I'm going to share with you my thoughts on living light. Downsizing, decluttering, and deciding on what's weighing you down.

Thing to remember: Just because you're in it doesn't mean it's where you're supposed to be. Maybe it's time to jump! There is no safety, success, or comfort in a situation that keeps leading you back to the same place.